Kappa Beta Serving the transgendered community since 1988

After 19 years of marriage, I found out my husband was a crossdresser. "Shocked" didn't even begin to cover it. Shocked, horrified, angry (heck yeah), betrayed, inadequate and deeply, DEEPLY depressed. My husband said I was "broken", and I was. To say the rug had been pulled out from under me was a colossal understatement--there wasn't even a floor at all. How stupid was I? How could I live with someone that long and not know something that big? This was someone that I trusted and he had kept something so critical and important from me. Oh, I knew that things weren't exactly as they should be, but CDing had never crossed my mind.

Things were further complicated by my spouse's inability to communicate about his need to CD. He was embarrassed, ashamed, afraid, sick that I had found out and extremely depressed. While not close intimately, we had a pretty good little family unit with 2 teens still at home. What was going to happen? We had just moved and were 700 miles from my home and support system of family and friends. Was I to leave and take the kids so far away from their dad? Should I stay and be miserable and make him miserable? I cried ALL THE TIME. My husband kept saying, "I'm still the same person I've always been." I knew that was true and yet, to me, he wasn't. He was still there; he hadn't died, but my grief was so strong--something had to have died.

It's here that I want to mention a web site called "Yvonnesplace". There is a section called Partners that I went into and found an article by someone named Lori for S.P.I.C.E. in '96 that has the best definition and explanation for what I and apparently others have felt upon discovery. She writes about a talk given by a Dr. Carol Cobb-Nettleton that describes the "Life Dreams" that are forming and developing since adolescence. These "Life Dreams" are based on family, religious, and cultural values. As we mature, these "Life Dreams" take on substance and we find ourselves living out these expectations. Women that are in the midst of living out these "Life Dreams" with their husbands or partners experience a very real sense of loss when the CDing is discovered. In a sense, there has been a death -- the death of her "Life Dream".

The grief is just as real but is less understandable than a physical death. To make matters worse, chances are the SO probably has no one she can talk with to help her sort out and manage her feelings of grief. This article goes into great depth describing the loss, grief process, and some different scenarios of how differently couples handle the issue and the successes and failures. Any couple in conflict over this issue would benefit by reading the info on this site. It is too lengthy for me to write here, but the gist of it is: the more openly and honestly you deal with the feelings and concerns of your partner the better the outcome is likely to be. An SO's strong emotions aren't necessarily rejection, but anger, grief, and fear for future needs to be dealt with compassion, reassurance, and support. Remember, the CDer knows his feelings - she does not. This is all new to her and she (hopefully with your help) will have to work very hard to re-work her entire belief system and "Life Dream" to try to fit this new aspect into what is to be her new view of marriage.

It's been almost 12 years now since "THE BIG DISCOVERY" and we're still married. Years went by before we could even talk about things comfortably. After more discoveries and near splits, my husband gradually began sharing openly (I think) with me and then I went to my first KB meeting. My husband went DRAB that time since I still had not seen him dressed as a “her.” I couldn't have been more uncomfortable if I was sitting on a fire ant hill; however, everyone there went out of their way to welcome me and by the end of the meeting I had "almost" forgotten that they were men in dresses.

I'm still irked by the ceaseless shopping and the storage unit that is apparently crammed full of boxes of clothes, shoes, a multitude of wigs and more sexy underclothes than I've ever had in my entire life. And, when we go to meetings, I take my tiny overnight bag while he brings two HUGE suitcases full. I could go on about men thinking that if they are dressed like their fantasy creatures they know what it is to be female, but I think I'll just leave that alone. Or, I could tell you to look up a somewhat bilious but funny article written by E. Fenton published in the Rainbow Newsletter of the Rainbow Gender Association. She kind of says it all.

Since that first and memorable meeting, I encouraged my husband to show me pictures of himself dressed and finally to introduce me to "her". He was terrified, as was I. We made an evening of it with him modeling several different "looks" for me. It was different, almost fun even. I still don't like the fact that I am married to a CDer and would wish it away in a millisecond, but I am okay -- for now, at least. We've made a lot of compromises. Going to the meetings has helped to DE-FANG it all a bit and I actually enjoy myself when I go. I've met a lot of very nice people (even if they are men in dresses). I've also greatly enjoyed meeting the SO's that have come.

On that note, I would like to take up a bit more space to encourage the SO's to join the SO group. If you have a SO and feel comfortable letting her read this, please do so and see if she would consider joining either online, meetings, or both. Even if your SO feels she doesn't need support, there are others that do. These gals could benefit from hearing how others have dealt, managed, and maybe even thrived. Talking with others may be a way to feel a bit more normal in our not-so-normal world.